Show Time.

It's time! Six months of rehearsal. Countless hours of practice. A huge youth choir. And now, we leave! We've been looking forward to this day for months; some of us, years. Tonight we're gonna load up the bus and head to Union, SC and have our first performance. We're gonna get up in front of hundreds of kids in a detention center and sing to them about Jesus. And tomorrow, we go to NEW YORK! We're gonna be going into Riker's Island. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a VERY high security prison. So high security that each girl has to walk in with a boy who has been assigned to her. Scary, I know. But if we don't go to these prisoners, who will? God said GO and tell ALL. Well as far as I'm concerned, criminals are definitley included in the group of "all" that was mentioned. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. You can pray for us, but I'd rather you pray for the prisoners that we're trying to reach...they are the reason we're going. When I get back I'll have a post that I'm sure will be filled with crazy stories and such, but for now I'm gonna finish packing......"I'm ready Lord!!!!!!!!"

Lie.

People Lie. They just do. Even people who you think would never lie to you, lie straight to your face. Then they say "I'm sorry" and expect everything to just go away. HA! As if. Once you lose my trust, it takes a LONG time for you to gain it back again. Why would you make stuff up? Why wouldn't you just say what really happened? You could've avoided all of this crap if you hadn't acted like an idoit. But whatever, apparently we're all 3 years old now. Good to know.

Problems With Authority?

Well, recently I've been told that I have a problem with authority. Seriously? No, I think that I have a problem when people in authoritative positions act like MORONS. When you tell me that the whole in the knee of my jeans is too big?-moron. When you say I came in through the wrong door?-moron, When you say my BEST friend can't go to prom with a girl who is in "positions of leadership" because of his "reputation"?-MORON! When we were having fun parking horizontally and you say we cant because it looks "tacky"?-Moron! I don't have a problem with smart authorities. But when SCA administration acts like complete idiots, yes I have a problem with that. I'm terribly sorry if I disrespected you, but unless you respect me, I sure as heck will not respect you.

Nerves.

Today was a first.
I had a choir audition for a solo...Normally at these things, I'm totally calm. I'm just chill, like whatever they think of my voice is fine, "I don't care". But today, I had nerves like no otherrrrrr!! It was awful! Even my piano player Mrs. Teresea said, "Girl! Calm down! Why are you so nervous?!" I didn't know! On the first song I sang my voice was very obviously shaking. I pushed through and went to the next. It wasn't shaking as bad, but it was still obvious to me. So then, my choir director said  I did great, and he wanted to hear another one. Oh.Great. But naturally, I just prepared for yet another song. It was People Get Ready. I never really thought about singing the solo in that one, but it was cool! Steve, my choir director, said it was good for my range. A compliment, I guess. I still have NO idea why I was so nervous...it's never happened before and I hope it never happens again!

Boundries

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. -GREYS ANATOMY


Stop putting up boundries. This is what I have to repeat to myself. It shocks most people. They say, "But you're so outgoing! Why would you have boundries?" First of all, you don't know me. Second, you.dont.know.me. Yeah sure, I seem outgoing-I AM outgoing in parts of my life...at least, the parts I let you see. I can't help it. I just can't. I guess its hard for  a lot of people to understand where I'm coming from. Most people my age haven't been through half of the crap I've been through- or rather, put myself through. But then, people who are older say "I'm too young to have experienced life"...BULL. I just laugh, because if they knew HALF of the stuff I've been through, they'd probably have a heartattack. Its harder for people who have been hurt to just jump back in the game. There is an unspoken fear...we don't like to talk about it..we don't even like to think about it. But its always there. Everytime we get closer to improvement or moving on, it pops back into our minds. I know, I understand. Most people don't understand. Even family doesn't...they've either never been in relationships or have almost perfect ones. Good for them...I know that sounds sarcastic but I really am happy for them! So as easy as it is to say "stop putting up boundries" it's gonna take a lifetime to actually achieve.

As The Voice Fades

Fading memories-One of my least favorite things. I try so hard to remember her voice, her face, the calm of her presence..the comfort of her touch....its fading. My aunt was one of the most important people of my life. I had just gotten used to life without her until I really started remembering some of our conversations. Just before she died we talked about the big moments coming up in my life..my first day of high school, my first date, my first prom, my 16th birthday, my graduation day...all of the big moments for teenagers. She gave me advice that only an aunt can give to her niece. Such wisdom...and such grace. I never questioned if she really loved me..really cared about me and had my best intrest at heart. I know she did-without a shadow of a doubt. Its been 8 years and I remember it like it was yesterday. The pain. The disbelief. It still hurts. I know its not supposed to..I know that the rest of my family has moved on...but I can't. I need those talks with her...especially now in the next few years. Talks with my mother and sisters are good...but they come no where close to my Julie talks. I guess, in a way, I still use music to try to be close to her. We always shared music...she understood what music meant to me, even though I was just a little kid. That was part of our connection. She understood how just one song could change my mood, and the first song I hear in the morning sets the tone for my whole day. She got it...she got me. So yes...I do use music to try to keep that connection alive. Is that bad? If it is, I don't care. I'm not giving it up. And I'm not letting her fade anymore.

Realizations

In one month my high school career is half over. I only have 2 school and club volleyball seasons left. (Only 1 for scouts to look at me.) That is so depressing. I love high school.

^^ That is how I thought up until this week. Now I have somewhat of a new outlook. College is gonna be stinkin awesome. I love high school and high school sports, but college volleyball is gonna be beast. I don't need to waste time being sad over all the ends that are fast approaching...I need to be excited about all the new beginnings! The good times- they come and go, as do the bad. But there's no point in sitting around and watching my life go by.

As my life moves on, I'll remember these times. These special memories, with the people that I love.

This post wasn't a particularly deep one...but hey, they all can't be fabulous.